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Are Long Columbo Episodes Worse Than Short Ones?

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TL/DR: There is no significant different of quality between long (90+ minutes) Columbo episodes vs short (~70 minutes) episodes.  Lower rated, long Columbo episodes seem to suffer from pacing issues but the higher rated ones do not.

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Gee…you remind me of my…uh…cousin Nickolas…and he could never…uh…finish his story.  He would always go on tangents and thought patterns and will keep yapping and before you know it, it’s bedtime!

I’ve become a big fan recently of the Columbophile blog and if you’re a Columbo fan like me you should check it out!  The author goes through each Columbo episode and really dissects the strengths and weaknesses of each episode without being too critical or fawn-like (with some understandable exceptions).  The blog also has a lot of interesting trivia on the Columbo guests, episodes, and scenery so if you can’t get enough Columbo you should really check it out!

I’ve actually started a habit recently where after I watch a Columbo episode I read what the Columbophile thought of it and I started noticing a bias the author seems to hold for the longer Columbo episodes.  You see, some Columbo episodes are about 70 minutes long while others are about 90 minutes long.  Although there are many good Columbo episodes in the 90 minute category (e.g., Forgotten Lady, Any Old Port in the Storm, A Friend in Deed, and etc.) a common complaint the Columbophile has about some of the episodes is the predominance of filler and padding scenes, and the sometimes lethargic pacing.  This makes sense given that the 70 minute episodes have to be smart about their pacing and choose their scenes carefully whereas the 90 minute episodes can take their time and flesh out the story.

But is it too fleshed out?  Is there too much inconsequential scenes, padding, and filler in these episodes?  After I watched the Candidate for Crime episode, which is about 98 minutes long, I noticed there were scenes that seem pointless like the traffic stop scene, the dentist scene, and other scenes which seem way too overdrawn like the initial investigation scene.   Even Columbo seems more…Columbo-ey than usual.  After I noticed this, I read Columbophile’s opinion on the episode and sure enough, they agreed with me; this episode was padded out.  If these scenes were cut, this already good episode could’ve been top-tier.

So that got me thinking; Are the 90 minute episodes overall worse than the 70 minute episodes?  And is the padding detracting the quality of them?

A Lieutenant's best friend: Columbo and Dog | THE COLUMBOPHILE

Fans of my blog know that I like to do statistical analysis on trivial subjects and this was going to be no different!  I want to compare these two groups of episodes and see if there was a difference in quality.

So first, I went to IMDB and focused solely on the 70’s era seasons which is widely regarded as the Golden Era of Columbo.  I then divided the episodes into two groups; 70 minutes and 90 minutes.  I then applied the IMDB rating to each episode and calculate their average with a confidence interval of 95% and compared the two groups.

Results
The average IMDB rating is as follows
70 minutes rating: 7.5 + 0.1
90 minutes rating: 7.7 + 0.2

Overall, the results were the opposite of what I expect!  The 90’s group was rated slightly higher than the 70’s group which makes sense as we see a lot of high quality episodes in the 90 minute group (e.g., “Any Old Port in a Storm”).  The 90 rating would’ve been 7.8 if it wasn’t for it having the worst episode in the 70’s series, “Last Salute to the Commodore,” with a 6.5 rating.  Regardless, these results are so close to each other that they’re not significantly different (there’s an overlap in their confidence intervals).  What does this tell us?  To me, this says that there is no relationship between an episode’s time to its overall quality.  Viewers do not think that long episodes are worse than short episodes.

From this, I think that the Columbo writers were, for the most part, able to craft stories well enough without them feeling too padded, slow, or boring.  They were able to effectively use their time to write necessary scenes that help the plot move forward.  In fact, only 6% of the 90 minute IMDB reviews complained about an episode’s padding, filler, or slow pacing.

This got me curious though and I wondered if low-rated 90 minute episodes had a higher amount of pacing complaints compared to high-rated episodes.  Perhaps one of the reasons reviewers gave a lower score was because they found it boring, slow or packed with too many filler scenes.

Columbo Rating to Episode Graph

Average rating of 90 minute Columbo episodes compared to the number of reviewers complaining about the pacing or padding.

So I compared an episode’s IMDB rating with the percentage of pacing complaints and made a scatterplot graph.  I found that there was a mild relationship between an episode’s quality with the number of reviewers complaining about its pacing.  A low-rated episode (like “Last Salute to the Commodore”) will have more complaints about its boring scenes, padded content, and slow pacing compared to high-rated episodes.  As an example, one reviewer for the above-average episode “Troubled Waters,” rated at 7.8, said that no time in the episode was wasted.  Then you have episodes which may have filler content but reviewers commented that they actually enjoyed these scenes and thought it added more depth and character building to Columbo’s world.

Overall, while I do agree that there can be pacing issues with 90 minute Columbo episodes, I think, and apparently so do other people, that these padded scenes do not negatively detract from the overall experience.  When I have a criticism, it’s usually directed at the story or the characters rather than the episode’s story progression.  For instance, the “Last Salute to the Commodore” could’ve been jazzed up by more interesting characters, a less-annoying Columbo, and a more cohesive storyline.  Pacing issues were just one of its many issues that this episode suffered from.

Thank you for taking the time to read this inconsequential article!  I hope you found it mildly interesting and again, please check out Columbophile when you get the chance!

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If Columbo Was Remade, What Would It Be Like?

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I think it speaks volumes that Columbo remains one of the most popular shows from both the 70s and from the detective genre.  There’s just nothing else quite like it.  The style, the main character, the soundtrack, and of course, the reverse-whodunit story lines.  Whereas many tv shows older than 30 years may fall by the wayside, Columbo remains an oddly timeless piece despite its very dated setting.  You can sit back, watch an episode, and be enamored by this humble detective and his charismatic, murdering antagonist.  So in this age of reboots, remakes, and sequels, I’ve been asking myself the question: What would a Columbo remake be like?

Columbo’s simple and surprisingly still unique premise can be easily adopted to modern television.  A perpetrator murders their victim and Columbo has to figure out how they done it and how he will catch them.  Through a humble, often forgetful approach, the perpetrator will let down their guard and allow Columbo into their lives even to the point of helping him.  But through slip ups and confusion, they will spiral further and further into Columbo’s figurative trap where he nabs them.  It’s such a splendid show that it works very well despite the formula repeating (almost) every episode.

So I think the Columbo series would fit very well as a miniseries similar to Sherlock.  Instead of producing 22 or even 13 episodes, we can produce maybe 7 or 8 episodes that are about an hour and a half long.  An episode being more than an hour long will definitely help us connect to a new villain and give us time with them which is very valuable.

Additionally, Columbo has two persistent themes that continue from season to season that I think can be adopted very well for the 2020’s; cutting edge technology employed in the murder, and, more importantly, a lower class man outwitting upper class murderers.

That cutting edge technology I think has so much potential.  Sure, it would make our modern Columbo dated within 10 or 20 years of its time but so did the show from the 70’s!  Those ancient computers, subliminal messaging (which is debunked), and, weirdly, Robby the Robot are so humorous to watch nowadays.  Technology shouldn’t stop us here.  This can be anything from a newly developed app, to medical devices, drones, mechanical ingenuity (Battlebots anyone?), smartphones, self-driving cars, AI, virtual reality, and 3D printing.  And this is just off the top of my head!  The use of any of these for murdering people can be done with excellence.  I would love to see the use of that self-driving car, btw, I can totally imagine the murderer be like “Perhaps the car didn’t “see” the victim when it accidentally ran over it.”  Pick any of these and it’s bound to be a fun story.

Image result for columbo robby the robot

Love this episode (from “Mind Over Mayhem”) 

But I think the more important reoccurring story element is the lower class man outmaneuvering the egotistical upper class individual.  The original Columbo show always had hints and elements of this.  Columbo’s car is rusty and on the verge of a breakdown, he smokes cheap cigars and his trench-coat looks old and ragged.  Meanwhile, his antagonists’ homes are large and lavishing, they pursue expensive hobbies, they run large corporations or enterprises, they’re big-time actors, high ranking generals, scumbag politicians, notable doctors, and even a lauded matador.  They may be repelled by Columbo’s cigar or amused by his forgetful and humble mannerisms.  They see themselves as above him and are increasingly frustrated by his persistence and ingenuity.  This iconic symbolism definitely needs to continue in the new series.  Columbo can now go after Bezos or Zuckerberg-esque archetypes.  He can take down greedy bankers, careless oil tycoons, gluttonous Hollywood producers, and insufferable Pharm leaders.  It would be so satisfying to watch.

There should also be a few episodes with a sympathetic villain.  There are several Columbo episodes with likable villains like “Try and Catch Me” or “Bye Bye Sky High IQ Murder Case” and I think a modern audience would really connect to that.  I can real quickly list several murderers that can easily connect with the audience; an abused wife of a rich CEO, a veteran damaged by a corrupt officer, or a scientist whose funding has just been terminated.  Columbo was also not afraid to get political, as seen in “The Conspirators,” so it would be refreshing to see a take on maybe police brutality or immigration.  Again, the well for these villains is deep.

This segues into the big question, who would play Columbo?  The great Peter Falk, God rest his soul, had passed away in 2011, and left a noticeable void in our heart.  His death does make the show’s revival tricky as when you think of Columbo, you think of Peter Falk!  The man and the character are one and the same!

And to a point this is true, but here’s the thing.  Columbo was adopted from the play “Prescription: Murder.”  This play had gone on showings long before Peter Falk took on the role.  The play still continues to this there and there are other actors who’ve played Columbo since Peter Falk’s passing.  They may not have the exact same mannerisms but they still pull of their own interpretation of the character.  So the thought of someone else playing Columbo isn’t that surprising.

And if we really want to separate fans of the classic Columbo to our new one I think it would help to go off the beaten path and hire a female actor to play the lead role.

I want to emphasize that this is not “Mrs. Columbo;” this is “Lt. Columbo” who works in the police force.  After all, Columbo is just a last name and we were never confirmed what Peter Falk’s character’s first name is.  He always introduced himself as Lt. Columbo and everyone would refer to him as such.  This new Columbo would be the same.

I honestly think this can open a lot of cool and unexpected doors for our new female lead.  The most prominent of which is that underestimation that so many murderers have against Columbo.  A female lead would honestly benefit from this (which is an unfortunate truth about our society).  But can you imagine some douchey CEO who thinks he got away with the perfect murder and in walks this shabbily dressed lady who seems meek and polite?  He thinks he’s got this in the bag!  And then his whole world comes crashing down as she just brings him down, down, down, and down.  God I would pay to see that.

I think another thing that might strengthen our new Columbo would be making her Latina.  I can imagine her being the daughter of immigrants and growing up in a poor neighborhood.  In all the vague story recollections and character interactions we had with Falk’s Columbo, we are given the impression that this Italian man feels for his people and for the downtrodden.  He wants to make sure they are well and he understands their plight.  Our Latina Columbo could do this in spades; she can interact with folks who can help her solve the case (maids, drivers, construction workers, landscapers, and etc.).  Time and time again, Columbo has asked the help of the working class and the poor to help him and they oblige as his friendly and easy going nature really brings them to his side.  Latina Columbo can easily achieve this, especially if the series took place in California again.

Image result for columbo dog

And they should definitely bring back a dog…maybe a French Bulldog?  

I think one thing this new series should definitely not change is Columbo’s mysterious personal life.  I know it would be tempting to give her a backstory, and show her family, and give her goals and challenges but honestly?  We already have plenty of that in other shows.  The new Columbo show should really hold firm on her mysterious backstory.  Focus on the murderer, the episode’s protagonist, and learn from them why we should care for them and even secretly hope they get away.  The murderers are the actual driving force behind the story.

Who would play our new Columbo?  Honestly, I wouldn’t know who to pick as I don’t really have an eye for that.  Really, I think it should be a nobody, somebody that hasn’t big on any major television or movie roles.  I think that may make some Universal execs feel uncomfortable with that but remember that a lot of the guest stars in the original Columbo series were relatively famous.  They were really recognizable back then and some are still recognizable today like William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Leslie Nielsen, Janet Leigh, and Dick Van Dyke to name a few.  I think it would be really fun if we had the likes of Bryan Cranston, Emilia Clarke, or Kumail Nanjiani play as guest murderers.  The previous series had plenty of Oscar-winning stars guest star so it’s not a stretch to see that high level of fame for here too.

The potential for our new Columbo series would be amazing given our current circumstances.  I think modern audiences would love the character relationships, the ingenious murderous plots, and of course, Columbo herself.  What do you guys think?  Would you like to see another Columbo series?  Who do you think should play her (or him if you want)?  Let me know!

Oh and one more thing, regardless of gender, Columbo needs to have her Misses Columbo.  That’s gotta stay!

How “Fringe” can Hint to the Future of “Steven Universe”

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Two shows. One is a live-action, cult hit, drama-oriented show starring three protagonists and their adventures into the slightly strange along with the occasional drug trip. The second is an ongoing, animated show starring a boy, his three alien mentors, and their adventures in the fantastical along with the occasional song. These two shows, Fringe and Steven Universe, are so different from each other that making parallels or comparisons between the two would be difficult if not nonsensical.

Yet both of them have a strong focus on parenting and in particular, Fringe deals with fatherhood while Steven Universe concentrations on motherhood. I want to dive in to how both of these shows deal with their respective parent and discuss if the now ended Fringe can tell us the future of the still ongoing Steven Universe.

Image from http://teachmix.com/emagination/content/playlist-0

Let’s start with Fringe. Fringe’s attitude and theme towards fatherhood is at first quite subtle. Our main source is Peter and his dad Walter who are two of the three main protagonists of the show. Season One focused greatly on Peter and Walter amending their very rocky relationship which culminated to Peter finding a newfound love and respect for Walter. As the series progressed, new fatherly relationships are expanded on such as Astrid Figglesworth’s uneasy relationship with her dad and Olivia being abused by her step-father when she was a child. The big kicker though comes in the reveal that Peter is from an alternate universe and Walter kidnapped him when he was a child when his Peter died. This catalyzed most of the series’ events including one of the show’s main antagonists, Walternate, or the Walter from the alternate universe, and his quest to get his son back. Super trippy and balls awesome, yes, but it does highlight the lengths both Walters had to go through in order to save their son. Fatherhood was ratcheted up a notch in the final season (and this was when my roommate and I noticed its prevalence) when Peter went to great lengths to avenge his daughter’s death and September was willing to sacrifice his life for his son Michael. It was also the season where Walter sacrificed his life for his son Peter in a very bittersweet ending. This article does a great job summarizing Peter and Water’s relationship and I highly suggest you read it if you are a Fringe fan.

Image from http://steven-universe.wikia.com/wiki/Rose_Quartz

Steven Universe’s themes of motherhood are starkly more apparent than Fringe’s initial dip into fatherhood. First off, Steven basically has three moms and a dad that we only see every four episodes or so. Steven’s own mom also gave up her existence to bare her child and to symbolize her love for Steven’s dad, Greg. Season 2 has also been giving us a lot of great mom episodes involving Connie’s mom, Sadie’s mom, and, of all people, Onion’s mom. Already, we have seen themes of nurturing (Onion’s mom), protection (Connie’s mom), and encouragement (Sadie’s mom) that make up a big part of motherhood. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get more mom episodes in the future from other supporting characters along with a more detailed look at Steven’s mom, Rose Quartz, and her love for Greg.

Okay, so is there a connection between these two, vastly different shows’ approach towards parenthood? Well, there is but both of them handle it differently.   Boiling down plot elements to their purest form, we see a strong sense of sacrifice from both mothers and fathers. As mentioned before, the fathers in Fringe go to great lengths to avenge, protect, or preserve their offspring from harm no matter what the costs. In Steven Universe, Rose Quartz sacrificed her life to bare Steven while the Crystal Gems defend and protect Steven even if they are harmed during the process.

Now granted, Steven Universe is still an ongoing and continuously evolving show so we have yet to witness the full potential of it. This idea of sacrifice may play out more or there may be other themes of motherhood that would be touched on instead (like the aforementioned nurturing, encouragement, and protection). Nonetheless, Fringe could give us a clue into the future of Steven Universe, a future where things aren’t as rosy as they currently are.

As situations will likely become dire, we should expect the characters on Steven Universe to make tough decisions that would ultimately change the current standing of the show. This show is not afraid to challenge familiar tropes and the status quo. Other Cartoon Network shows, mainly Adventure Time and somewhat Regular Show, have done the same thing to their setting and characters and it’s not surprising that Steven Universe is already doing it despite its still young lifespan. Likewise, Fringe is similar in to Steven Universe due to its plot setup, its embracement of the untypical trope situations, and how every season is unique due to dire changes that happened at the end of the previous season. What I’m saying is that Steven Universe is changing and will continue to surprise us in ways we won’t expect, the days of status quo continuity, as seen in Powerpuff Girls, Dexter’s Laboratory, and Ed, Edd, and Eddy, are long and forgotten.

Image from http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/fringe-observers/images/31145815/title/observers-33-fanart

First off, if we were to be directly inspired by Fringe, there might be a global invasion of Homeworld Gems. If the Cluster, whatever that is, does not work out. Yellow Diamond may take it upon herself to call a massive invasion onto Earth, and establish a matriarchy on the planet. Steven’s home could be destroyed, his city would be forced into curfew, and Homeworld Soldiers would patrol the streets looking for him and the Crystal Gems. This happened in the final season of Fringe when the Observers took over the protagonists’ universe and basically established a fascist patriarchy. This comparison between the Observers and the Homeworld Gems is not farfetched as they are characterized by their mysterious nature, their power, and their preference towards one particular gender. Both forces were hinted at since near the beginning of their respective shows and we’re only given teases and glimpses into their world as their series continued. And now, it will only be a matter of time before the Homeworld Gems make their true, and world-shattering entrance.

As fan theories go, this one is kind of out there so if you were looking for something easier to swallow I present you with this. Fringe’s final season was intense with emotion, action, and payoff. Steven Universe will likely emulate this on both the positive and negative notes. If sacrifice does come into play in the show’s final moments, we will likely see some of our favorite characters pass away (and not just reborn) for the protection and preservation of Steven.

While Fatherhood, both in Fringe and in general, may be categorized by bravery, morality, and wisdom and Motherhood may be categorized by the aforementioned nurturing, protection, and encouragement, both are ultimately link in self-sacrifice. What lengths would any good Father or Mother go to in order to preserve their child? Fringe knows this and embraces this. Steven Universe will likely go the same path. Pearl loves Rose Quartz and her child Steven. Pearl has sacrificed herself so many times in order to protect Rose. Whose to say that she won’t do it again but this time, end her life permanently by doing so? What effect will this have on Steven’s psyche when that time comes?

Perhaps Steven will become hardened by his loss and take on the role of both a father and a mother figure to the rest of his family and friends. We saw a glimpse of this in the premiere of season 2 when he tried to shut Connie away from his troubles. He wants to protect those he love. If a true tragic loss were to occur, he may go more extreme than this and take on a role similar to Peter when his daughter died in the final Fringe season. If that were to occur, he’ll need Connie, similar to Peter’s significant other Olivia, to pull him back and embrace his true humanity, once again.

Initial Reaction to ABC Battlebots (2015) Episode 1

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Holy Crap.

Battlebots has returned this year on ABC and it’s as ridiculous and amazing as it was more than ten years ago on Comedy Central.  To begin with, I want to say I felt like my ten year old self again while watching this first episode.  The hype, the out-of-place suave commentators, the flashy stage, and the killer robots threw me back to my parents’ couch years ago.  It was fun, stupid, and most importantly, robots fought each other for the glorious nut!

First, few things I was disappointed about before I gushed about everything else.

-No original theme?  That makes me sad.  The original Battlebots referee Mark Beiro was also not there but considering his long and great career, I’m totally fine with that.

-They didn’t say “The box is locked, the lights are on, it’s robot fighting time!”  Come on!  That was basically their slogan!

-As mentioned before the main three commentators seem out of place but given the nature of Battlebots history, that’s typical.  At least they’re not as annoying as the original ones!

Okay!  Onto the good stuff!

This season of Battlebots (season 6) has made some good choices in order to both highlight the builders and televise the battles.  Instead of a huge assortment of robots we get just 24 robots in one weight class.  This cuts down the shallow coverage of the robots and gives us a more in-depth look into each of them.  This is great!  We learn why we should care for each of the robots, it makes us root for them more, and it gives us the opportunity to connect to them and remember them better.

Some people complain about the coverage on the builders but that’s typical Battlebots!  They love to focus on the builders!  It humanizes them!  It gets the audience to know them better and why we should root for them!  It also shows how anyone can build robots and compete in the tournament!  It’s pretty funny too when you get this juxtaposition of these cool, suave announcers interviewing the dorky and sometimes rigid builders.

At first I thought when they were focusing on the builders they were only showing the winners of each battle.  Thankfully, I was wrong with that as evidence by the Warhead vs. Biteforce battle.  Good!  I don’t want things to become predictive!

Okay, now onto the battles!

First off, Razorback vs. Icewave.  Nice, good battle to start on!  Razorback is interesting; I never have seen a Battlebot design like that before.  What were they trying to accomplish there?  Anyway, Icewave was definitely the highlight for this battle.  I liked the builder, Marc DeVidts, he reminds me of me a little.  He saw Battlebots around my age and wanted to build his own Battlebot because of which.  That’s awesome.  Icewave actually reminded me of the former Middleweight Champion, Hazard thanks to its spinning blade.  Icewave was just tearing apart Razorback and it was greeeeeat.  I look forward to Icewave’s next battle!

Next, Wrecks vs. Plan X.  Anyone recall the Middleweight T-Wrecks here?  Hm, maybe me.  Regardless, Wrecks is nothing like T-Wrecks.  God, this robot is so funky!  I freaking love this guy!  Team Captain Micah “Chewy” Leibowitz explained that he came up with this robot after waking up from a dream and I can tell!  Then there’s Plan X which is also freaky thanks to its glowing brain.  Former Battlebot competitor Lisa Winter built this robot and I was pleased to see her return.  Female representation in a male dominated sport is always a plus especially when the builder is young and confident in herself.

This battle was probably the most entertaining out of the four thanks to these two weird, weird, robots.  It looked like Plan X was going to win it at first then Wrecks started shuffling back like a determined terrier ready to take down a german shepherd!  I was laughing my ass off during the entire fight.  Part of me was hoping Wrecks would win this one due to its comeback in the last ten seconds and the huge damage it was inflicting on Plan X.  Definitely a favorite.  I was disappointed by Plan X’s spinning weapon but hopefully it will do more damage in the next round.

Next we get the upset battle Warhead vs. Biteforce.  Ah, Warhead, one of the few veteran robots that unfortunately couldn’t seal a win against his opponent.  And to be fair, it was a bad matchup.  Biteforce had a strong drive and a highly defensive ram.  That drum spinner barely dent Biteforce and the arms and tail were useless.  Biteforce had this battle right from the get-go by pushing Warhead all over the place and into two different pulverizers (which made me laughed hard)!  Biteforce reminded me of Complete Control thanks to its unique design and ability to handle dangerous opponents.  Good work Biteforce!

Finally, we get the amazing battle between Nightmare and Warrior Clan.  Man, ABC missed their chance to talk about how Team Nightmare and Team Whyachi had fought each other before in Season 3 for Nightmare vs. Son of Whyachi where Son of Whyachi won hands down.  They should have mentioned that!  Anyway, great battle even though my favorite, Nightmare, got flipped over (again, another bad matchup for a veteran robot).  To be fair though, whether done intentionally or not, the new Nightmare design kind of helped Nightmare in its dire situation.  I’m sure Jim Smentowski was trying his damndest to flip his terrorizing robot over.  Regardless, DID YOU SEE WHAT NIGHTMARE DID TO THAT BITTY FLAME BOT!  That was hilarious.

We still have more qualifying rounds to go through so I’ll withhold my judgement of flame and multi-bots until then but so far they seem to be working out well.

As for wildcard…there are 24 robots and 12 battles which means 12 losers.  Only four of the twelve losers will be picked to fight in the second round (if I’m interpreting the rules correctly).  The show briefly mentioned that the judges will pick the four robots that did the best in their respective matches (which is a great idea).  If I were to pick a robot or two from this episode it would be Wrecks or Nightmare.  Both did a great job fighting their opponent and I can’t decide who deserves it more.  I guess I lean towards Wrecks cause I want to see more of him!  He’s so funky and hilarious (but also he lasted the full three minutes as well)!

My Pick to Win the Nut: I think Icewave might have the best chance.  Battlebots has had a history of vertical rotator robots (e.g., Hazard and Son of Whyachi) winning the Nut.  Icewave’s blade was just wailing on Razorback showing that he is both a good defensive and offensive robot.  However, Icewave was smoking by the end of his match which isn’t good and he’ll have to worry about flipping robots like Warrior Clan (who might even be too low for the swinging blade).

Overall, the episode was great and I look forward to seeing more episodes of Battlebots!  Woo!

Does Columbo’s Wife Exist?

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Update 6/22/2020: The article now contains a clip of actor Peter Falk who thinks Columbo does has a wife but his massive family is nonexistent.
Update 6/25/2019: This article contains some updated information which I think proves she exists, check it out at the bottom

Columbo is one of the greatest characters to grace the small screen and is definitely among the top five detectives of all time. His soft personality combined with his loquacious attitude mixed with his attention to detail makes him a standout among other, harsher detectives. He lulls you in a sleepy sense of security and then nabs you with your guard down. Through his bumbling appearance, absent minded persona and his cheap-looking cigars, Columbo can trick the murderer into revealing details and lies that would otherwise be unnoticed.

One of the ways he does this is through his constant conversations about his adored wife, known simply as Mrs. Columbo. Columbo finds someway to bring up his wife to the killer when they are discussing about the victim, the murderer, or anything in general. This usually agitates the murderer and can then lead them to tripping on their own lies.

But let me ask you this, does Mrs. Columbo actually exist?

She is and she’s in jail right now. Image from http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130725052442/orange-is-the-new-black/images/5/5a/Red.jpg

The answer seems easy to answer at first but once you think about it, you really have to question about her supposed existence. Just like last week’s article on the conundrum we faced towards the Batman-villain Poison Ivy and her diet, there’s more to this than it seems.

The thing is, we have never witnessed Mrs. Columbo before. We never see or hear her and yet she is one of the few reoccurring characters on the show due to her sheer presence brought by Columbo’s detailed descriptions of her life and personality. And it’s because of these intricate details that many have speculated that Columbo has made her up. It’s almost too coincidental that Mrs. Columbo happened to be a fan of Chef Paris or Maestro Benedict for instance. Columbo always has a right scenario for her to relate to the murderer’s life.

Unfortunately, to answer this riddle, we would have to dive into Columbo’s personal life, which is quite difficult given the show’s reluctance to allow us to accomplish that. It’s pretty funny actually. Many modern detective shows give us sooooo much information on the detective’s private life. They’re like an open book to us.

As such, it is these precious few moments of Columbo at his relaxed state that we must rely on. Particularly, before he meets the murderer and builds the slippery slope that will lead them to their demise.

One moment that we see this is in “A Stitch in Crime,” where Columbo briefly talks about his wife to a police officer before examining the body. Now, I find it hard to believe that Columbo would continue the Mrs. Columbo façade to a fellow officer. However, you could argue that he’s constantly on guard, so to speak, and he wants to be prepared when even a police officer murders somebody (which actually did happen in one of his episodes). Therefore, he can continue his shtick relentlessly without missing a beat.

A little bit more proof comes in the “Troubled Waters” episode where we see Columbo talking to his wife via a telephone. This is where we are getting into crazy territory if we were to assume that Columbo’s so devoted to having a non-existent wife that he keeps up this elaborate lie by talking to her on a telephone and lying to everyone on board that his wife won the both of them a pair of tickets to go on a cruise.

Thankfully, in that same episode, other characters have admitted they had seen his wife several times during the course of the episode. Granted, this is not total hard proof but I’m willing to be convinced by the evidence given in the examples I have mentioned and other that I haven’t. Columbo has a wife.

6/25/2019 Edit: A lot of people have commented on this article with their own hypotheses so read them when you get the chance but I found what I think is the proof that she exists in the episode “Identity Crisis.”  In this episode, Columbo’s murderer, Nelson Brenner, is a CIA operator who murdered a double agent.  In response to Columbo’s trademark persistence, the Brenner bugged Columbo’s home and revealed to him he knew many personal details about Columbo’s life. The scene is as follows

<Columbo is in Brenner’s lounge.  Brenner puts on “Madame Butterfly,” on his music box and its starts playing>
Columbo: “That’s ‘Madame Butterfly!’  That’s my wife’s favorite piece of music!”
Brenner: “I know!”
Columbo: “You know…?….you have my house bug…”
Brenner: “But since the Director met with you, I had it removed.”
Columbo: “…Just I’m glad my wife could know about that.”

Brenner has confirmed to us that Columbo’s wife does exist.  I would be HIGHLY surprise that if Columbo’s wife does not exist then Brenner would’ve revealed that information to Columbo or Columbo would have said it outright (“then you also know I don’t even have a wife…”).  I want to doubly stress this as Brenner has been intimidating and blocking Columbo almost every turn this episode.  He would’ve played this trump card (Columbo’s biggest lie) if it meant stopping Columbo from investigating him.

This piece of information gives me more confidence that his wife does exist.

As a bonus, here is a clip of actor Peter Falk from Inside the Actor Studio recorded in 1999 where he thinks Columbo’s wife exists.  Although this isn’t concrete proof it does play into how Peter Falk has been interpreting his character.